It’s been years and it is still vivid.
I was on top of the bridge; drunk, confused and in deep pain for a love lost. I looked down and I only saw darkness. Yet I know, beneath those shadows is the icy water ready to embrace me and promising to drench everything that I felt.
I was alone. It was so silent. It was so perfect…to die.
It took me minutes to decide and every beat is an agony. At that point, it never mattered whether I believe in God or not. It doesn’t matter if I am doing the rational thing or just plainly stupid. The world just closes in…it was me, the bridge and the jump.
The choice was so simple; ending the pain instantly or to carry it for the rest of my life. I never knew how many minutes or hours just standing on the brink of indecision but I ended up walking away and carrying it and scarring my heart forever.
When I woke up the next day, I just smiled because I realized it was really stupid - so stupid that I ended laughing on myself. I asked why I thought of jumping to drowned myself when in fact…. I am a good swimmer. It was hysterical but the reality remains that I am in deep sh*t.
It was years but the pain is as fresh as it was just like yesterday. There are times that it becomes so unbearable and even writing this piece makes my chest hurts. They say that in order to move on, one must mourn; fully mourned of what had happen. I haven’t and I wasn’t able to do so. I become slave of this pain that it engulfed me into something I shouldn’t be. There are times I could not discern love anymore. I could not give back and I don’t know how to give back for those people who offer their love to me.
Sometimes, it becomes so tiresome to put up every day the mask. To show everyone that you are okay and that you have faced the world effortlessly. They said an emotional man is a sign of weakness. Yet how can a man be stronger if he doesn’t recognized and accept his weaknesses. A man of strength knows when to rest, when to give up and when to start fighting again.
For years I tried to write something about love but I could not even make one sentence without cursing about it. I read about others defining love on FB. So many things said that if the guy loves their girl they should be like this and like that…that true love is…I tried and I tried harder to stop myself commenting on these things. I want to shout at them that they do not know what love is, that these definitions are just plainly untrue.
But it hit me suddenly, I don’t have the right and authority also to define and impose what love is. Love is not a mental concept or a popular slum book definition that is popularly used during my high school years – Love is like a bubble gum, kung mupilit makabuang.
Love is just a description of what we felt on SOMEONE. It is not always beautiful and exhilarating it can also be in agony, in pain and sacrificial. It can be an inspiration but it can also destroy a life. It can be an instant or it can be forever. It can be too petty but it can also be too important. Most of the time you are on the happy side but sometimes you are on the downside, the hurt and the tears.
A heart in pain is also a heart in love. It cannot and will not be cured by another love. Let it bled, let it cry until it dries. One day it will have courage to grow again.
I’m in a deep sh*t I know but who cares I breath and live for love.
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